So yeah…sitting in sudy hall bored out my my mind! its long block study and i have nothing to do! serisouly…well i could do english homwork but i dont have the patience for that right now.
So im really realllly really confused right now. And really really down. I dont know what to do. Sometimes i think all my “best friends” are just saying that and they dont actually like me and they are just pretending…or there hanging out with me because they feel bad for me. Face it…Im nothing great or fun or specail! I mean yeah we have good times but thats only cuz its the group of us….I mean if it were just me im….I am nothing. Im a pretty boring person with no real talents or interests or hobbies.
I mean what do i really do that defines me? Smoke? Get high? yay….wow thats lame
And also i suck at making mew friends…The only way i make real new friends is if the other people give me attention first and try to be friends with me. Other then that i cant really seem to make friends for myself.
I thrive on attention. I know thats sounds needy and whiny but its true. I get so happy when people give me attention….Like i live for it. And when people dont give it to me at all it makes my whole day bad. I live for it each day.
I swear if you want to kill me ignore me…that would be the best way…Because it kills me…and if that didnt kill me i would just kill myself.
Why am i that way? Why cant i be independant enough to just live without the attention and approval of others? Why do i do so many things for attention?
Is this just the way i am? Is it just my personalitly?
And also….I have no meneory left…whatsoever!
I mean yea my memory was bad because of those anti-depressants i was taking. But im pretty much of those now….And still my memory has been pretty bad!! And all this pot isnt helping! Its making my short term memory horriable! I cant rember anything!! Its like everything seems like its years ago even if it happened a few minutes ago! And everything is foggy and wierd and im not even high or hung over! I havent gotten high in like 4 days!!!!
Aso ive been having alot of out of body experiances….The otherday i felt like i was being pulled from my body…like i just wanted to get out and i felt like i was floating out. I was so freaky and i felt like i couldnt stop it! I have been having so many of those lately….
————————ALL GUYS ARE TOOLS!—————————
serisoulyyy!All the guys in my life are tools! its really not fair. I just want one good guy to love me and hold me and have fun with and steal there huge sweatshirts from…(: Is that too much to ask?!?!?! I mean all of them just want sex! Or they are creepy and douch bags and uncareing and i dont trust them.
I mean christian not breaking up with his girlfriend for me was such a dispaointment….but mabey its a good thig seeing as im older then him and he really wants sex and i dont want to do that. Then Kody…haha funny guy but way to young and inmature and not caring enough for me. The derrick…mike told me he liked me…and i was so happy cuz i acually like might date him if he asked! But nooo…he doesnt really like me that much and i guess im a better friend? yeah so that was hard…and to see him going for one of my friends? yeah that kinda hurts. But ill never tell anyone. Oh well mabey next time we get high something will happen! lol (:
I just want one guy to prove they are not all the same.
xoxoxox
The truth is ugly. It hurts.
Self-confidence: 0
Some days i hate myself....some days im ok..
go figure
TWLOHA ♥
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