Peace and Love

have the swine flu or H1N1 or whatever this illness is fucking BLOWS!

im so sick.. i cant talk or breathhhh

and bored and lonelyyyy =/ I miss my friendssss </3

Besides from that..im head over heels…for that certian someone…Serioulsy ive liked him ever since i meet him…I really hope things can work out between us ):

<333 xoxoxox

i need a hug…

and i really want to makeout with a certain personn….(:

I really want to get high right now….Im dying to!

Or have a ciggerate…

So yeah…sitting in sudy hall bored out my my mind! its long block study and i have nothing to do! serisouly…well i could do english homwork but i dont have the patience for that right now.

So im really realllly really confused right now. And really really down. I dont know what to do. Sometimes i think all my “best friends” are just saying that and they dont actually like me and they are just pretending…or there hanging out with me because they feel bad for me. Face it…Im nothing great or fun or specail! I mean yeah we have good times but thats only cuz its the group of us….I mean if it were just me im….I am nothing. Im a pretty boring person with no real talents or interests or hobbies.

I mean what do i really do that defines me? Smoke? Get high? yay….wow thats lame

And also i suck at making mew friends…The only way i make real new friends is if the other people give me attention first and try to be friends with me. Other then that i cant really seem to make friends for myself.

I thrive on attention. I know thats sounds needy and whiny but its true. I get so happy when people give me attention….Like i live for it. And when people dont give it to me at all it makes my whole day bad. I live for it each day.

I swear if you want to kill me ignore me…that would be the best way…Because it kills me…and if that didnt kill me i would just kill myself.

Why am i that way? Why cant i be independant enough to just live without the attention and approval of others? Why do i do so many things for attention?

Is this just the way i am? Is it just my personalitly?

And also….I have no meneory left…whatsoever!

I mean yea my memory was bad because of those anti-depressants i was taking. But im pretty much of those now….And still my memory has been pretty bad!! And all this pot isnt helping! Its making my short term memory horriable! I cant rember anything!! Its like everything seems like its years ago even if it happened a few minutes ago! And everything is foggy and wierd and im not even high or hung over! I havent gotten high in like 4 days!!!!

Aso ive been having alot of out of body experiances….The otherday i felt like i was being pulled from my body…like i just wanted to get out and i felt like i was floating out. I was so freaky and i felt like i couldnt stop it!  I have been having so many of those lately….

————————ALL GUYS ARE TOOLS!—————————

serisoulyyy!All the guys in my life are tools! its really not fair. I just want one good guy to love me and hold me and have fun with and steal there huge sweatshirts from…(: Is that too much to ask?!?!?! I mean all of them just want sex! Or they are creepy and douch bags and uncareing and i dont trust them.

I mean christian not breaking up with his girlfriend for me was such a dispaointment….but mabey its a good thig seeing as im older then him and he really wants sex and i dont want to do that. Then Kody…haha funny guy but way to young and inmature and not caring enough for me. The derrick…mike told me he liked me…and i was so happy cuz i acually like might date him if he asked! But nooo…he doesnt really like me that much and i guess im a better friend? yeah so that was hard…and to see him going for one of my friends? yeah that kinda hurts. But ill never tell anyone. Oh well mabey next time we get high something will happen! lol (:

I just want one guy to prove they are not all the same.

xoxoxox

yeahh so im kinda worried about a certain friend of mine…i wish things were going better for him.

andddddd im kinda crazy for this guy——>haha…story of every girls life right? (:

anyways..im worried..and confused..thank god for my friends…i love themmm(you know who you are! <333)

also im spending soo much time being high..and i realy cant remeber much from when ive started school…its like all a blur and it comes in flashes…ughh but im lving how i want to live..right? im having fun and thats all that matters when you are younggg! :D

hope things go well at the soccor game tonight! (:

& Truth be told I’ll be missing you. & truth be told im lying. call me a safe bet, im betting im not. well jesus christ im not scared to die, but i am a bit scared of what comes after. congratulations, now go home. come up to meet you, tell you im sorry. you don’t know how lovely you are. I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs but Im afraid that someone else will hear me i’ve got trouble thoughts and self esteem to match. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. likes vines, we intertwined. && i cant breathe without you but i have to. you might think im bullet proof but im not. so let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight. i know she’s there. you’re probably hanging out and making eyes. i know i’m good for something, i just haven’t found it yet - but i need it. i guess i can live without you, but without you i’ll be miserable at best. things have changed, you’re not the same. sometimes i wrestle with your ghost and ask if you miss me at all, cause if we were [together] you ask if there just me be a bit of remorse. So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love? All the time, all the time. I gave up coffee & & cigarettes, and i hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet. i thought my problems would just dissipate, and all my pain would be in yesterday. i poured my booze all down the kitchen drain, and watch my bad habits get flushed away. i thought that that would keep my head on straight, & all my pain would be in yesterday. but it’s true, i’m still blue. but i finally know what to do, i must quit you. Because you were never really real to begin with I just made you up, to hurt myself. I will shake the very thought of you. So lick your ciggerate and kiss me, your never coming home to me, &That’s the hardest thing to see

^^^^^^^

yeahh…

so 2 weekends ago…i did something i promised myself i wouldnt. i broke a few promises.

i cant belive i did that.

but at the same time all i can think of is doing it again! i loved the happiness…the freedom. I didnt have a care in the world when i was like that…everything was happy and carefree and perfect…

So i  think this may become a habbit of mine…oh well..add it to all the other bad habbits i have. :]

Time is a tough thing to comprehend…sometimes you want it to go by faster, and then again there are those times where you would do anything to make it just pause for the moment you’re in. so unpredictable, so hard to grasp.

sick with a sore throat but had a sudden bout of energy.

Like real energy! i just cleaned to perfection the whol upstairs…my room and did lots of laundry!!! haha wow whats wrong with me!! soo manic!

welll im off to watch Push…i hear its a good movie

Makes me think of Mickey..shes so pissed at me. she called me..accused me and some of my other friends, then cried and when i didnt take her side she snapped at me and hung up. ugghhh whatever.

sometimes i think friends are more troubel then they are worth.